Does He Really Not Know Why He Cheated Or Had An Affair
In fact, many affairs happen in relationships that are otherwise very happy. There does not need to be some kind of emotional lack or sexual dysfunction for someone to cheat on their partner (although certainly those factors can sometimes lead to affairs). I have worked with many couples where one of the partners cheated and yet it was clear that, apart from intense remorse, they still felt a great deal of love and care for their spouse.
Does He Really Not Know Why He Cheated Or Had an Affair
To move forward, couples need to come to a common understanding of their history. Regardless of the type of infidelity (e.g., emotional affair, one-night stand, pornography addiction, etc.), the story of what has happened needs to make sense to both husband and wife. As I work with couples who are stuck, not knowing what happened seems to be the number one culprit.
Not only does the hurt spouse have a need to know what happened, that need is just as great for those who were unfaithful. Speaking from personal experience, I can attest to the benefit I received from discussing the events of my infidelity. There is a strong tendency to be self-deceived when facing a side of ourselves that we'd rather keep in the dark. When we feel shame, we betray ourselves as well as others. Exposing what has happened has a unique way of providing clarity, not only for one's mate but also for those of us who've been unfaithful.
At the same time, knowing what happened isn't the same as knowing every detail about everything that happened. Too much detail creates additional problems with intrusive thoughts. The betrayed partner might want to know what happened, where it happened, how often it happened, if there are potential health risks, and when it began and ended, and they have a right to this information. Questions comparing themselves to the affair partner, however, serve little or no benefit.
I have always had a problem with the timeline and when the affair started. My husband says he doesn't remember. Today he said I need to accept that or leave him. Those are my choices? Not very satisfying. I wish he understood that I am hurting, even though it's been 10 months. I really want to move on and have closure. I don't know why this is so important to me.
I knew of my wife's one-night stand 33 years ago, confronted her, which at that time she supposedly stopped the affair. Two years ago, I mentioned in a conversation with her of the telephone calls I was getting with nobody on the other end. This also took place 33 years ago. After a couple of days of agonizing, she told me , that back then, she had a long-term affair ( 8 months ) with a different person . This was also stopped when I caught her after her one-night affair.I am still with her. The reason why is because in the mid-'80s Texas was in terrible shape, it was very hard for me to make a living. I felt she strayed because happiness was in very short supply and I had let her down. Those economic conditions were never repeated for me. However,although we went to a marriage counselor, we never really discussed what happened in a one-on-one conversation or were there other affairs that I did not know about. I am constantly thinking of what I did wrong but afraid to approach her to have the honest conversation that we need to have. I love my wife and would never leave her, but I would like to know the whole truth. Its is time.
My heart goes out to you,for I am dealing with the same exact thing myself. Today makes 1 year to the day he was last with her. Last night I cried as I watched a video message I sat and made at 4:11 am on my iPad. The video was me in a frantic state asking him "WHY" because he wasn't home and after calling and going to his friends looking for him I knew there was only one place he could have been. Of course when he made it home after 1:00 in afternoon he told me he went to a friends house (a friend that I didn't call of course) and drank, passed out and didn't have a phone to call me! It didn't take long to find out the truth (from the other woman) that they spent the evening watching fire flys and the night together! I still feel like it was yesterday, the pain is just as bad, my heart broken. He noticed the last few weeks my staring off, getting snappy with him, and my eyes red after coming out of the bathroom that I use to sit and silently cry hoping he don't know. Last night I told him I deserve to know the truth about it all. That I love him and that's why I chose to stay although after a year to the day now I DESERVE the truth. The whole truth that I want/need from him, not the other woman. He looked at me and told me he wants to move forward and I won't let us, I am stuck in a rut because I like it. He looked me in my eyes and told me that I am a crybaby and he is sick of hearing me cry and wine, that I need to grow up. He continued with "I can't and won't continue to live like this so get over it as of right now or move on"! He said me being such a crybaby after this long is making him miserable! I have not said or asked any questions today even though it's what I call D-day. (Dooms day anniversary) I feel different after hearing him say the same things last night that he has been repeating every time I try to talk or ask questions since the beginning. I realize I have been cheated again (not with another) but cheated out of a year that I struggled alone, cheated from the real love I have given him and the respect of the truth. I chose to stay because I love him and want to be with him till death makes us part, but I didn't chose to be hurt so badly with cheating along with name calling and ultamatioms! I see things differently today on D-day... I truly love and stayed to make it work but it's time to accept the love he has for me is not nearly as deep or real because if it was he would help me heal not making it harder. I am going to walk away still heart broke but I won't carry any regret on my shoulders when I go. I stayed, I tried, and truly loved him. He couldn't show me the same by just telling me the answers to questions I asked only " I forget" " I don't remember when ect" I wish you luck and hope you get the answeres you deserve...
My situation was a little different, but similar. My need to know was so great that I told my husband that he had to leave if he continued to lie to me. I sent him the name of my lawyer, told him to make an appointment at his convenience and that he could have anything in the house he wanted for his new place. Granted, this was 5 months after D-day. I was not able to get past a certain point because his story wasn't adding up with me. We had even seen two different marriage counselors and I felt like while we were civil to each other and enjoyed some good times together, that him not being totally honest (to my satisfaction) made no point in trying to rebuild a marriage on a foundation of lies. That was my deal breaker. Don't get me wrong, I did worry he would call the lawyer, but at the same time I had made up my mind that whatever the outcome I would win. Win by being free of a lying cheater that had no remorse for his actions and only considered his own pain in all of this. Or win by being free to work on myself, go where I pleased without question and find myself again. The burning question, " did he disclose ?". The answer is yes. I wrote down all my questions beforehand, just in case he would disclose and I went down the line and wrote the answers down. I didn't judge and I thanked him afterwards. He had to admit that he even felt better after being honest. Things are getting better slowly, but as long as I see progress it's doable. My advise to you would be to not torture yourself. I felt like my husband owed it to me to at least come clean. Find out what your deal breaker is and decide if you want to push the button or continue to be in so much pain. Either way, good luck and take extra good care of yourself. Believe me, focusing more on yourself let's them see that life does not revolve around them. Take back your power! Love yourself first.....
Can i ask.... did it liberate you after he answered all the questions? Did you keep thinking of more questions over time? I feel like i am never going to get over his affair. He has answered all my questions but i think of new things i need/want to know, and now he gets angry and really annoyed and i dont know if its bc hes lying or bc i should truly just be over it all and moved on from even thinking about it all. Its been almost 2 years!!
I'm sorry for your pain. I held on so long because of hope. My hope was he would learn from his mistakes. I now realize it's not a mistake but a choice to cheat. Not only did I get zero support and empathy I got "You have to get over this". I put that affair behind us no more questions asked only to have a second and third d day at the same time. My advice don't hang on but run. They don't change they just get better at lying. So my marriage of 24 years now that I'm almost 50 has collapsed because of another affair. Fool me no more I am also done but I can say I does get better. Wishing you happiness!
I would suggest leaving with the intention of coming back but know what you are putting urself into there will be a fight possible hurtful things and a time line for the other one that you will not notice who that person is but what you are doing is taking yourself out of the loop and letting the people think and reflect on there own if they are really vomited or fooling themselves you will get the answer you are after in the trust form and then you can choose to come back and start fresh. But know that this is a tactical relationship timeout not to use the situation to hurt your partner but to reset and move forward when the fight has been cleared .
Even after her telling him all this right in front of me he denied ever having sex with her over and over. Then the next day admitted to me that he did, but only once, like this made it so much less of an offence. Stating that he had lied to me as to not hurt me further. Well let me tell you it hurt even worse, because here I thought he was really trying which he was, but truth is one of the biggest healing agents when trying to heal from an affair. 041b061a72